I aim to be as open and honest as possible with my blog, so I’ll be sharing some of my recent experiences with mental health matters. I haven’t been feeling great.
I am unsure what has triggered my current feelings of existential dread, but it’s consuming my thoughts. It’s making my days difficult and has sucked joy from things I tend to find pleasure doing. I’ve found it hard to get anything done, I don’t see much joy in life, and I don’t understand if anything I do will matter, especially since we all die anyway.
These feelings are a regular visitor for me, unfortunately. They appear when I think about how much or little I have accomplished in my 32 years. There are days where I can’t do anything, there are days where I feel I’ve wasted it by not pursuing a goal, and I often think it’s all pointless because I’ve wasted many years feeling stuck in a rut.
I know that I still have the time to change things, but the part of me that feels I’ve wasted has control over my feelings. I am due for another therapy appointment this month. I’ll write my feelings down and see what advice I am offered.
I’ve also felt as if I’m not my true self as of late. I’ve struggled with identity issues for many years. I think this is due to traumatic events in my childhood, teenage years, and my BPD diagnosis. I wanted to fit in with so many people, so I would try to become someone they would like. As you can imagine, it seldom worked out because I was forcing my actual identity further down into the depths.
As I go through my 30’s, my identity is starting to show more. I’ve been less hesitant to talk about things I like. I’ve found myself reading more, watching more Sci-Fi shows, feeling more vocal about my interests, and what I want to do with my life becomes clear as I look into it. I want to use what I have learned from my past experiences and this journey to guide others and possibly help them feel less alone. These experiences can feel isolating; I’ve found comfort in similar content creators.
My appearance also plays a part in how I feel about my identity. I don’t dress the way I want to, I don’t style myself the way I want to, and I don’t feel confident enough to chase my goals. Insecurities hold me back from doing these things. My insecurities include my weight, my teeth, and my voice make me feel uneasy; I fear people will mock me for it. These are things that I can work on, but I’m being held back by my own mind.
I feel much better after writing this post. I will be focusing on self-care activities that make me feel better.
Take care of yourselves!
Life Through My Lenses 