Let’s Talk BPD: Struggles, Moods & Wanting To Feel “Better”

Photo by Nothing Ahead on Pexels.com

Despite advocating for others to open up about their struggles with mental health, I struggle to talk freely about my own.
It makes me feel hypocritical, in a sense.
Should I be giving out advice when I spend a good percentage of my days just trying to get through them?

Some days it just feels as if I’m throwing out scraps of information that I can’t convince myself works.
I know people can learn to manage their symptoms and live fulfilling lives, but is this attainable for myself?

Photo by Renato on Pexels.com

Living with Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) is difficult. Jumping from one state of mind, to another is draining and something I can never get a hold of.
BPD lacks a grey area, so each time my mood fluctuates, I’m feeling the strongest possible emotions associated with the relevant mood. This happens multiple times a day, with no warning, and feels so disheartening.
I’ve questioned if life is even worth living in these states on more occasions I feel comfortable sharing.

This disorder impacts every area of my life, some worse than others, but it’s far easier to allow myself to sink instead of trying to keep my head above the water.
Honestly, life often just feels like I’m just about able to keep my head above water. During my lowest spells, even the idea of completing the most mundane tasks is exhausting.
I’m making improvements regarding completing tasks that I have set, but before this, getting out of bed would be the only productive thing I would do.

Photo by Renda Eko Riyadi on Pexels.com

This disorder impacts every area of my life, some worse than others, but it’s far easier to allow myself to sink instead of trying to keep my head above the water. Honestly, life often just feels like I’m just about able to keep my head above water.
During my lowest spells, even the idea of completing the most mundane tasks is exhausting. I’m making improvements regarding completing tasks that I have set, but before this, getting out of bed would be the only productive thing I would do. That alone felt like I was fighting myself to complete.

It feels as if there is a civil war within my mind. I want to get up and do things, but I cannot fight my brain to do anything. I am vividly aware that I am struggling. It affects me, and my environment; yet there is never any sense of urgency to pull myself out of the rut.
It’s uncomfortable, but is there any point? I’ll probably end up back in there anyway.

I am constantly finding my mindset to be chasing the idea of being “normal” and getting “better”, but are these ideas even achievable?
Are these thoughts hurting me? It hurts to be thinking this way, but I didn’t think I’d reach 31 and I have no idea where to go, or what to do from here.
It can get better, but will it?
They say it’s the hope that kills you.

Photo by MART PRODUCTION on Pexels.com

Advertisement

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s