Posted in Self Development Journey

Responsibility

I touched upon this topic a little over on my Instagram page, so here’s a link to that if you want to read it, and see a very flattering photo of my face!

Since starting my self-development journey, I’ve found myself feeling more frustrated than ever. This is par for the course, but it’s incredibly frustrating, realising your own shortcomings, and the memories/flashbacks that are associated with recovery.

I’ve realised that a good percentage of my struggles are self-inflicted, which honestly doesn’t feel great. My ego has been bruised a little. At the time of writing, it’s past 4am; this post is scheduled to go live on WordPress at 6am, and be scheduled on my social media pages from 11am onwards. Have I slept yet? No. Have I started on the other things I need to do? Also no.

I cleaned the guinea pigs cage yesterday and washed some dishes, but I spent the rest of my time either watching YouTube videos, playing Destiny, or sleeping. So that’s left me feeling irritated at myself for prioritising the wrong things again.

I’m honestly sick of looking at my blog right now, knowing it’s become a source of irritation since it’s always been rushed. I also have two other posts to write this week. I need to sort myself out for my Esports Wales writing, and sort other aspects of my life out. Things I could easily have done if I hadn’t dropped myself into such an unhealthy routine.

Photo by Julian Jagtenberg on Pexels.com

As frustrating as this feels, it’s also liberating in a way. Accepting my fault in situations I’ve caused has addressed the victim complex I have developed over the years.

Now, I’m not trying to diminish my disorders, my traumas, and illnesses, but I have let them hold me back too often for my liking. There was an incident earlier where I verbally lashed out in a situation because my brain had registered constructive criticism in a situation as aggressive taunting.

This is a trait associated with Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD), but it doesn’t excuse talking down and unfairly losing my temper with a person who was genuinely trying to help. I’ve apologised to the people since, but I can’t pretend that it could’ve hindered my relationships with these people.

In the past, I have had people criticise me for many things, especially occasions that were not warranted. I’ve had my music taste criticised, my movie taste, projects that I have wanted to start; I’ve even had my dreams dumped on because they weren’t to the tastes of others. It’s always stuck with me and haunts me whenever I attempt anything.

One occasion that has popped into my head as I’m writing this post was an incident in an art lesson back in secondary school, comprehensive, high school, whatever applies to where you live. The assignment was to draw a self-portrait. Half was what you looked like. Half was what you would call your personal style. Drawing isn’t for me, but I digress. I remember using a piece of charcoal to draw a Monroe piercing. I remember the art teacher wandering over, criticising the work and rubbing away the piercings I had drawn. She said it looked like a smudge, it did, but it was my art project. How can you be “wrong” when art is subjective?

Photo by Karyme Franu00e7a on Pexels.com

One occasion that has popped into my head as I’m writing this post was an incident in an art lesson back in secondary school, comprehensive, high school, whatever applies to where you live. The assignment was to draw a self-portrait. Half was what you looked like. Half was what you would call your personal style. Drawing isn’t for me, but I digress. I remember using a piece of charcoal to draw a Monroe piercing. I remember the art teacher wandering over, criticising the work and rubbing away the piercings I had drawn. She said it looked like a smudge, it did, but it was my art project. How can you be “wrong” when art is subjective?

I have many ideas for content, personal projects, and craft ideas in general. It honestly excites me thinking about the activities I can partake in. I just need to work through the issues I know that are my own doing, and go to therapy for the others.

I’ve started to realise over time that certain disorders might influence our behaviour, that’s inevitable, but it’s our responsibility to work with them and not use them as a safety net. Or to justify unnecessary behaviour. Of course, it’s tough, but we owe it to ourselves to live our lives to the best of our abilities.

Work on betting aspects of yourself that you can control. Seek help for things you cannot control.
It’ll be worth it in the end.


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Author:

I'm Stacey and I'm 29 years old. I write about life, mental health, video games & everything in between!

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