Posted in Life With BPD, Mental Health

BPD & Me #1

The lead-up to Christmas tends to trigger the symptoms of my disorders more than any other time of the year. Trying to keep up with things that I need to do while being constantly inundated with symptoms of my disorders becomes increasingly difficult.

My Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) symptoms have been flaring up a lot as of late, so I figured I’d share my experiences. As well as document them for future therapy use.

I just had to use this in the post!

I’ve been dealing with incredibly low episodes at random times, which I cannot keep up with. There doesn’t tend to be a trigger for them half of the time, which catches me offguard and can emotionally floor me.

I have lost count of how many times I was convinced it’d be better if I gave my guinea pigs up for adoption, I couldn’t see why I’d be a good parent, I what I said, to them. Of course, there is no evidence to support this. They are fed, happy and well loved, so they should be with me. It’s just tough explaining this to myself during a BPD spell.

I’ve also spent time crying by myself in the bathroom because I had made a mistake when I was cooking, or in a video game. Things like that really send me off the deep end. It frustrates me because I know I’m being irrational, but if I don’t succeed at something in a flawless manner, I’m a failure and I should be ashamed of myself. I have yet to find a way to talk myself down from these episodes.

I really like the Instagram page I’ve shared images from, it sums up the disorder perfectly. There’s a different scenario bothering me, which feels like they are on rotation after a while. It often puts me off attempting things I’d previously been excited to try, or it just makes me want to rot in bed for days.

I had planned to do a charity stream this week, but paranoid ideation, as well as, being under the weather, canceled those plans. I was afraid I wouldn’t raise anything for the cause. I was paranoid I’d be mocked; I was paranoid that people would get angry because my visual impairment wasn’t as bad as others. I was also stupidly worried that I’d look stupid playing Resident Evil 4 on the hardest difficulty. I’ve seen others play it effortlessly, whereas I tend to struggle.

I’ll do a post about the cause and how my vision disorders can impact how I play video games. I’m just frustrated that I let this get the better of me.

I really like the Instagram page I’ve shared images from, it sums up the disorder perfectly. There’s a different scenario bothering me, which feels like they are on rotation after a while. It often puts me off attempting things I’d previously been excited to try, or it just makes me want to rot in bed for days.

I had planned to do a charity stream this week, but paranoid ideation, as well as, being under the weather, canceled those plans. I was afraid I wouldn’t raise anything for the cause. I was paranoid I’d be mocked; I was paranoid that people would get angry because my visual impairment wasn’t as bad as others. I was also stupidly worried that I’d look stupid playing Resident Evil 4 on the hardest difficulty. I’ve seen others play it effortlessly, whereas I tend to struggle.

I’ll do a post about the cause and how my vision disorders can impact how I play video games. I’m just frustrated that I let this get the better of me.

This last Instagram post is a reminder for us all. We will be okay.


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Author:

I'm Stacey and I'm 29 years old. I write about life, mental health, video games & everything in between!

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